I’ve been meaning to walk you guys through a day of my anxiety.. The funny thing is, every time I go to write this piece, it never seems to finish itself.
When I think of what I want this message to represent, I have a pretty good idea on how to convey it. Then my fingers hit the keyboard, a wall is suddenly built up and I can no longer put my feelings into words.
For a long time that’s how I actually felt. When I was in grade 6, I witnessed one of my moms seizures. Being too young to understand the circumstances, the only feeling I could really comprehend was wishing my mom and I to be healthy, happy and complete (an affirmation I repeat to myself daily.)
My parents were divorced, I had no siblings and I was terrified of being left all alone. After a bit of suffering, I remembered what it was like to be a kid, . As much as I was still a symbol of innocence, my worries felt a bit more grand than the average of a 10 year old.
My heart would often sit in my stomach, the feeling of fear was there but I could never really reach it..
My grade 12 year hit, and my world suddenly fell apart. I was so certain I was on the right path, about to make a difference in the world when the next day I couldn’t even get out of bed. The worst part was I didn’t even think there was anything wrong. I couldn't put my finger on why I felt so uncomfortable in my own body. The best way to describe it, I was wanting to jump out of my own skin.
And that's pretty much what happened. By the time I had started my healing process I weighed 104 pounds. I had been throwing up violently everyday for about 5 months, became mal-nourished and was in and out of enough waiting rooms for them to tell me the same thing.
It was all in my head. I had heard of people who believed that the majority of dis-ease was caused by your mental state, I just never really believed it. At first I couldn't even comprehend what my next move was going to be... but all I could focus on, was how fucked up I was. There goes my university acceptance.... my success. See ya, later friends. Sayo fucking nara.
I lost everything I had ever known about myself that year. I stopped going to school, ignored my friends, lost confidence of even waking up the next morning. It took me a bit to realize the only person who could save myself was me... A place, I didn't even know where to begin. I hated the world and everything about it, I just didn't understand why.
I wrote this post on November 18, 2015.
I didn't think it was good enough to post so I never finished it.... I don't think it will ever be good enough to finish.
Until Next Time,